The Student That Helped Define My Path

Brian Cowell was 16 when a young martial arts student named Grayson changed the way he thought about teaching.

Grayson had autism and struggled to participate in private lessons. At first, simply staying engaged for a few minutes was a challenge. Over time, though, he began taking bigger steps. Private lessons led to group classes. Group classes eventually led somewhere Brian hadn’t expected.

He shares the full story in this episode of the SwiftKick Martial Arts Podcast.

It’s also where Brian began asking a question that still shapes the way he coaches:

Why not?

Why couldn’t Grayson join the other students? Why couldn’t he try something more challenging? Were those limits real, or were people making assumptions about what he could handle?

Those questions stuck with Brian. They’re still worth asking today.

Supporting Students Without Setting Their Limits

Inclusive coaching doesn’t mean teaching every student the same way. Students aren’t the same, so that approach wouldn’t make much sense.

One student may need a quieter place to train. Another might need directions broken into smaller steps. Some students learn best by watching a demonstration. Others need more repetition or a little extra time before they’re ready to participate.

Making those adjustments doesn’t lower the standard. It gives the student a way to reach it.

Think of an accommodation as a bridge. It helps a student get from where they are to whatever comes next. Once they’ve crossed it, the next challenge may look completely different.

Instead of asking whether a student can succeed in the class exactly as it currently exists, try asking:

What could change to give this student a fair chance?

Five Ways to Practice “Why Not?” Coaching

1. Watch Before You Correct

When a student loses focus or stops participating, a coach’s first instinct is often to correct the behavior.

Sometimes that’s the right call. Sometimes it isn’t.

Take a moment and watch what’s happening. Did the room get louder? Were the directions confusing? Did the pace change? Is the student unsure about what comes next?

A quick correction may stop the behavior without explaining what caused it.

Here are a few questions a coach can ask:

• Is there too much noise or visual activity?
• Are the instructions clear?
• Does the student know what’s coming next?
• Is the task too big to tackle in one step?
• Does the student feel comfortable asking for help?

Paying attention gives the coach something useful to work with. Guessing usually doesn’t.

2. Look at the Room, Not Just the Student

It’s easy to assume that every problem belongs to the student. Sometimes the room itself is making things harder.

During Brian’s early lessons with Grayson, mirrors and movement around the studio kept pulling Grayson’s attention away. Brian didn’t treat that as bad behavior or a refusal to learn. He made a few changes to the training area.

That gave Grayson a better place to start.

A small change can make a big difference. The coach might move the student away from a busy doorway, reduce background noise, make the routine more predictable, or begin with a smaller group.

The goal isn’t to remove every distraction forever. Real life doesn’t work that way. It’s about giving the student enough space to build confidence before adding the next challenge.

3. Find the Next Reachable Step

Big progress is usually made up of smaller moments that don’t look dramatic at the time.

A student might begin with private training because a group feels overwhelming. The next step could be working near one other student. Then maybe they join part of a class. Later, they stay for the whole thing.

There isn’t one correct timeline.

The next step should stretch the student without making success feel impossible. If it’s too easy, there’s no real growth. If it’s too much, the student may shut down before they have a chance to try.

Ask, “What’s the next reachable step?”

Grayson started with private lessons. He later joined a class for students with different needs, then moved into a regular class. Each step gave him experience he could carry into the next one.

4. Ask the Student What They Want

Adults spend a lot of time making decisions for children. Coaches do it too.

Some decisions have to come from the adult. Safety matters but students should still have a voice in their own training.

Ask what they’d like to try. Ask what feels hard. Ask what kind of help would make the challenge feel possible.

A student may be ready for something no one else has considered yet.

That’s what happened with Grayson. He was the one who said he wanted to enter a martial arts tournament. The idea didn’t come from his parents or instructors. He saw the tournament as something he wanted to attempt.

Brian didn’t make the choice for him. He helped Grayson move toward the choice he’d already made.

5. Let Progress Be Personal

Not every win comes with a medal.

For one student, success may mean taking first place at a tournament. For someone else, it might mean walking into the building, finishing a full lesson, training beside another student, or coming back after a rough day.

Those moments count.

Standards still matter, but they aren’t the only way to measure growth. A student’s starting point matters too.

Brian doesn’t remember whether Grayson received an award at the tournament. What he remembers is that Grayson competed.

That was the win.

Grayson had once struggled to participate in a quiet private lesson. Now he was stepping onto the floor in a loud gym filled with people, movement, and activity.

A trophy couldn’t tell that whole story.

Be the Guide, Not the Hero

One of Brian’s mentors once told him that a good coach should be the guide, not the hero.

Then he put it another way:

“Be Yoda, not Luke Skywalker.”

A coach can demonstrate a skill, make adjustments, offer encouragement, and help a student prepare. What the coach can’t do is face the challenge for them.

It can be tempting to step in the moment a student becomes uncomfortable. Doing that may solve the immediate problem. It can also take away the student’s chance to work through it.

Being the guide means staying close enough to help without taking over.

At the tournament, Brian could listen to Grayson. He could reassure him and walk with him to the competition area. Grayson still had to step onto the floor himself.

That part belonged to Grayson.

“Why Not?” Doesn’t Mean Ignoring Risk

There’s a difference between challenging an assumption and ignoring a legitimate concern.

Asking “Why not?” doesn’t mean placing a student in a situation that isn’t safe. Coaches still need to think about physical safety, emotional readiness, the environment, and the support available.

The question isn’t supposed to decide the answer. It starts the conversation.

Maybe there’s a real obstacle that needs to be addressed first. If so, the coach can make a plan.

But sometimes the answer is simply, “We’ve never tried that before.”

That’s when it may be worth asking the question again.

Questions for Coaches, Teachers, and Parents

Think about a student or child you’re currently supporting.

• What assumptions have you made about what they can do?
• Have you confused needing support with being unable to participate?
• Could a small change make the next step easier to approach?
• Are you solving every problem for them?
• Have you asked what they want to try?
• What would progress look like from their starting point?
• Is there a safe situation where you should be asking, “Why not?”

The answers may not be obvious. That’s fine. A good question doesn’t always produce an immediate answer.

Sometimes it changes what you notice.

How One Student Helped Define Brian’s Path

Brian didn’t have a formal coaching philosophy when he met Grayson. He had some training, a little experience, and plenty he still didn’t know.

So he watched. He adjusted. He tried things.

Years later, Brian has much more experience to draw from. But experience shouldn’t make a coach less curious. It should help them notice more and ask better questions.

Working with Grayson showed Brian that teaching martial arts could be about much more than kicks, forms, and tournaments.

A coach could help someone face something difficult. A coach could create space for courage to show up.

Listen to the Full Story

In this episode of the SwiftKick Martial Arts Podcast, Brian shares what happened during those early lessons, how Grayson moved into group training, and the moment at a martial arts tournament that Brian still remembers years later.

Scroll to the top of this blog post to listen to “The Student That Helped Define My Path." Or, click here to watch the youtube version!